As I sit here today tea in hand missing “normal” life, I feel guilty maybe even like a fraud. My “diva” side focuses on making lemonade from lemons, and well I’m just not feeling it at the moment. Sometimes if I allow myself to admit it, I’m not so sure I’m cut out to be a military spouse. I miss having family around, miss being able to hold my granddaughter and cook for my kids. I miss having friends who have known me so long that it’s effortless and I hate the fact that all too often my husband’s soldiers interrupt our life.
I don’t know if it’s the crisp bite in the air that has me missing the comforts of my Michigan home; the apple orchards, hot cider, amazing donuts, pumpkin patches and fresh raspberries right off the bush. I don’t know if it’s that my daughter has her hands full with a job and a sick baby while her husband is 100’s of miles away doing an internship and I can’t step in to help in more ways than a phone call. Maybe it’s just that today I am fighting a cold. All I know is that in this moment I long for a bit of normalcy, to be surrounded by family with no thoughts of Syria, Tri-care, PTSD, or sequestration. This military life is anything but that.
Over the last month I have had two friends who have delivered babies while their husbands were overseas, a fellow blogger lose a longtime family friend in the attacks on the DC Naval Base, battle buddies with service members having a difficult time transitioning back to life after deployment and nieces attending their first homecomings which I’m not a part of. I’ve seen fellow spouses crumble before my eyes and pray for some type of relief from the stress this life brings.
And then the guilt sets in, none of these “events” happened to me directly, my husband is home right now and I’m busy doing some incredible work making a difference in this community; work that I love. But it’s these spouses who have earned their stripes tackling things that today I’m thankful I don’t have to deal with, but here I sit longing to step away from it all even if only for a moment.
I’m feeling inadequate for admitting that sometimes it can all be overwhelming. I wish I had the courage I see other spouses show, and then out of the blue someone says to me that they wish they could be as strong as I am. (Insert stress about being exposed as a fraud). It’s ironic isn’t it.
There are days where I feel like superwoman and know I can tackle anything life throws at me, and then there are days like today where I’m not so sure. Of course I have the tools and support that help me embrace this life, heck even be proud of myself for being courageous and brave, but not today.
Today I don’t know if I could even remember how to make lemonade. Today I’m questioning whether or not I’m really cut out to be a military spouse…because sometimes I’m not so sure. Today I’m just grateful that I am allowing myself to just be in this place, knowing that there are so many spouses that can relate to exactly what I’m feeling. Today I chose to focus on believing that my husband knows I’m cut out to be a military spouse and that is good enough for me.
~Judy Davis, the Direction Diva is a motivational speaker, author and lifestyle blogger as well as a military life and teen suicide prevention expert. Co-founder of DASIUM, Judy’s books Right Side Up and Warning Signs: Is Your Teen at Riskare go to resources for families and her websites are filled with tips, inspiration and resources for those looking for direction. Connect with Judy at TheDirectionDiva.com