All posts,  Military Lifestyle Advice

Military Life Newsflash: Your Drama is Toxic

I just don’t get it. It may be the fact that I have been married to the same man for over 24 years, or that I’m too busy to waste my time and energy on drama, control and unwarranted jealousy, but I’ll never understand the irrational juvenile games that I see in my military life.  Military spouses can be the best battle buddies, we can be strong and independent. But recently I have seen drama that is so toxic that I can’t help but shake my head and wish I could find a way to help them get that this life isn’t just about them – especially for situations like the you better answer when I call game that I see happening in military families no matter how long they have been together.

I see it all the time the service member who assumes their spouse is hurt because they aren’t answering, the spouse who can’t reach their significant other and within minutes are in a spiral creating all kinds of drama. In our instant access society too many of people jump to the wildest of assumptions when someone doesn’t answer their text or call immediately – And I have something to say about that:

Military Life Newsflash #1:

If your other half doesn’t answer your call or multiple text messages after you’ve tried to reach them countless times over the last 10 minutes; do you really think they are going to pick up the phone if you call again?

Did it ever cross your mind that they may be busy and unable to answer or that they will call you back as soon as they are able? Have you forgotten that they are working or taking care of any number of duties that they are faced with day in and day out? Just because most of us have our phones with us all the time, doesn’t mean we are or should be available for “instant access” whenever you decide you want to chat.

Currently my husband is in the final stages of master gunner school, and my house has been taken over by a group of 6 soldiers who are for lack of a better word walking zombies; surviving on caffeine and working with a focus like I’ve never seen before. They rarely take a break, and other than the sound of my fingers across the keyboard you could hear a pin drop in my home. But someone keeps calling and blowing up one of the phones and I’d like you to know that your drama is toxic.

Trust me it’s not helping your cause, in fact it’s hurting it. I don’t know a person on earth who will respond to the barrage of messages demanding a response. If it’s an emergency say so, and if it isn’t it’s time you understood that now is not a good time. And just so we are clear, when you question why they didn’t answer your call or text just wondering “how it’s going” it REALLY pisses them off.  But you don’t see that. You assume that he is ignoring you, and well you are right.

Military Life Newsflash #2:

You are being ignored because you are being rude.
You are being ignored because you are dramatic and your spouse doesn’t have time to succumb to your “pay attention to me” game. You are being ignored because your spouse knows that if they answer that you will create even more drama that frankly they can’t deal with right now. And just in case you missed it, calling over and over REALLY isn’t helping, but you don’t see that.

Here is the reality:  Your spouse is here at my house busting his butt trying to finish so he can get home to you as quickly as possible; he would do this project at home, but my guess is that you would provide to many distractions and he wouldn’t be able to meet the deadline. So he comes here where he can do what he needs to do as quickly as he can.  Contrary to what you might believe, he knows you have been picking up the slack while he’s been working so hard these last 4 months, and the sooner he can get this done the faster he can come home to you. But you don’t see that.

Frankly I don’t blame him for being frustrated, and I feel bad that he feels that you just don’t get it. Have you bothered to consider that there is a reason why this school is known for its difficulty? Trust me he’s just trying to make you proud and do what’s best for the family. But you don’t see that. You are so caught up in the game playing and how it’s affecting you that you don’t see that you are making it harder on everyone; and that can be toxic for your entire relationship in the long run.

Maybe it’s the fact that you are tired of feeling like you are not their focus right now, or perhaps you need a break that they can’t give you. I get that, heck I’ll be happy dancing with the best of them when this is over. But I also know that playing this “pay me attention” game isn’t helping your cause.

Military Life Newsflash #3:

If you want your spouse to respond to you the first time you call, STOP calling for stupid things. The soldiers who’s spouses call for the important and necessary reasons or text with a simple “love you can’t wait until this course is over” are the ones whose spouses answer every time.  They are the spouse that is respected because they show respect, and by doing so they earn an appreciation that will transcend through the relationship in an amazing way.

So stop playing games and you just might be surprised at how quickly they answer the next time you call. And remember that your drama is toxic.



~Judy Davis, the Direction Diva is a motivational speaker, author and entrepreneur as well as a military life and teen suicide prevention expert. Co-founder of DASIUM, Judy’s books Right Side Up  and Warning Signs: Is Your Teen at Riskare go to resources for families and her websites are filled with tips, inspiration and resources for those looking for direction. Connect with Judy at


  • Rachel

    I saw this pinned on Pinterest & decided to take a look. Wow! Even though this is definitely an ‘in your face’ post, it is SO true. Thank you for posting this! It’s an eye opener for some & a good reminder for others. I think spouses, especially wives, forget that they can’t always be the center of attention. But instead of stomping their foot & throwing a tantrum, handling it with grace & staying respectful of their military S/O will get the positive attention they’d like to have.

  • Cameron

    Judy this is so true!! I love the last news flash: Stop calling your spouse for stupid stuff. I rarely call my husband during work hours and he knows its important when I do. Great post!

  • Lizann

    Oh yes, I have seen this before. And you’re right, that kind of behavior rarely gets an answer.
    On the other hand, I sometimes get tired of being the spouse ‘on call.’ There are many times in our military life when I have no way to call my husband. I have to sit around and wait for him to initiate contact. During deployments, that means I am vigilant and always have my phone with me. But when he is working down the street, I am not as attentive, and sometimes miss a few calls in a row when I am not near my phone. He gets frustrated with this, but it is an honest mistake. And I think he has no clue about the stress and anxiety of waiting for a phone call for weeks at a time. I can’t live like that and be that vigilant all the time! So yeah, sometimes there are missed calls, and they are not on purpose and I’m not ignoring him. I’m just busy taking care of our 4 kids by myself!

    • The Direction Diva

      Lizann, I hear you! Sometimes our service members forget that we set up systems of support and fill our lives to get through the times when they are gone. They don’t understand that we can’t just dismiss those things because they are home (we GET that we will need those strategies sooner rather than later) and that their presence gives us a little room to breathe! Thanks for sharing this, and mad respect! 4 kids may have done me in :)!! Happy 4th and thanks for the feedback!

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